You took me to a ravine,
where snowy hills
rolled up on either side of us.
They stilled the wind
and hushed the city noise.
In their presence
I could not speak;
I passed my words
in telegraph pulses
to your hand.
Tags: free verse
poetry, fiction, drabble, excerpts, rough work
You took me to a ravine,
where snowy hills
rolled up on either side of us.
They stilled the wind
and hushed the city noise.
In their presence
I could not speak;
I passed my words
in telegraph pulses
to your hand.
Tags: free verse
December 20, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Lovely! Very nice. Ravishing in its silken whisper of tenderness. Thanks for posting – ran into it tag-surfing.
David
December 20, 2007 at 10:44 pm
This is w/o flaws. Every word counts. I love the last four lines. Who are your influences?
Scot
http://midwestpoet.wordpress.com
December 21, 2007 at 11:56 pm
Thank you both :) Influences? Huh, that’s always a tough one. I would say this poem came out of memory, real experience, being told by my poetry teachers to “show don’t tell” and use less adjectives, and Imagism.
December 22, 2007 at 4:30 am
*mmm*
December 23, 2007 at 12:00 am
What I like about the few poems of yours that I’ve read is that you actually have your own voice. Have you ever gone looking at poetry around the internet? 99% of it is absolutely awful — just a constant repetition of cliche and melodramatic crap.
Your teachers are right — show don’t tell, but also remember that every word you write must be yours, and must have a purpose. You’re definitely on the right track.